Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
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That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Yup!
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff