@HoldinCoffeeld

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

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@FattMernandez

I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.

@WhiskeySoured

Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.

– watching the Olympics with my wife

@DLin71

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

@Briidashian

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

@Michael1979

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

@PostCultRev

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

@myonlymizztake

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

@ilovepie84

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.