Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
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Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
me irl
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting