@HoldinCoffeeld

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

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@dafloydsta

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

@siano4progress

Just got pulled over for swerving. Did a breathalyzer, BAC was 2.8

I told the cop “I drink and drive all the time. Get over it.”

Got arrested. Car impounded.

I’m not worried. I’ll just tell the judge it’s Obama’s fault. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll blame the fake news media.

@guiltymamma

If the husband is being a jerk I sync my phone to his headphones and play Baby Shark

@OtherDanOBrien

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

@Dutch_50

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

@aecide

Omg someone broke into my professor’s house & stole his laptop so my class today has been cancelled. I gotta find this person & thank him.

@InternetHippo

“This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades” big deal buddy that’s what I’m doing too

@WarrenHolstein

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.