Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
You Might Also Like
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
This line from Airplane.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut