Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Fun Things
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.