Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Hotels are back
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
No, I don’t think I will.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???