Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed