Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
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It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?