@OhHiAlyPie

Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT

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@Schmoodles

Facebook is a good reminder that I went to school with idiots.

@KevinHart4real

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

@Whymze

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

@Book_Krazy

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

@lincnotfound

her: do you believe in astrology?

me: yeah of course stars exist

her: no like horoscopes

me: ohhh, i use a telescope