Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!