Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.