Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
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i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.