Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
doing some research
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
