Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Cat is stressing him out.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
