Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Möther may I have a snäck
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
