Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
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weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
he’s sick of your bullshit today
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
is it earth
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.