Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you “pspspsp” too hard

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

The Weeknd is back

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.