Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
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*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
more water
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?