Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

Found the job I’m suited for

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

🏙👨🏼

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”