Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.