Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
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[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
😂😂
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Pretty much. 🤣
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.