Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
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“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Oh. My. God.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
No. He’s not coming out to play
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it