Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
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Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Happy Halloween 🎃
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I enjoy a good short stor