Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
You Might Also Like
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Doctors texting each other.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
