Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

Gas station lines at 2 am:

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.