Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.