Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Stop it! 😂
“HELP WITH CAT”
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.