Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Good morning
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”