Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Favourite diary entry ever
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
“what that mouth do?” complain
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio