Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.