Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.