Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.