Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I WON A HAM TODAY
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
normalize having existential bread
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond