Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.