Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

dude it’s called proctologist

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.