Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Boating season is upon us.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person