Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
me when i smell free food in the break room
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.