Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
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me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*