Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
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Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.