took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
…..pretty much.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?