Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
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I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Happy thanksgiving!
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.