Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
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My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Terribly Tuesday.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers