Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

@funTweeters

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

I had to Stop for this

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.