Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
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My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES