Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
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“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child