Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer