Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
You Might Also Like
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
She puts the hot in psychotic
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think