Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I am also baked goods
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
getting corrected
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
