Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible