took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
President The Rock Obama
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
me in a relationship:
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”