Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.