Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
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I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.