Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

I didn’t realize that was an option

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

When you kidnap a writer.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

You are what you delete.

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

I just ran a .003048K