Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
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“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese