Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
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Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”