took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Bless you
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”