took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
good for her
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
10/10 no notes
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.