took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

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5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.


What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant????


4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!


Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.


Twitter poets be like “I erupted from a shopping bag bemused to be the Skittles in your sacred pocket”

And somehow the rest of us just pretend this is okay.


In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.


Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.


[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”


“Of course you’re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder” – alcohol