Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
become ungovernable
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED