5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant????
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
M: I can’t do that.
Twitter poets be like “I erupted from a shopping bag bemused to be the Skittles in your sacred pocket”
And somehow the rest of us just pretend this is okay.
In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.
Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
“I’ve had sex.”
“Of course you’re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder” – alcohol