@goingonajournie

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

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@angibangie

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

@Browtweaten

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

@SherBoBer

Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.

@Douchekevin

Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room

@fro_vo

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

@inojperez

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

@ojedge

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

@BuckyIsotope

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

@TheresNoGodzila

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

@DestryBrod

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.