took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Snack for election night!
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.