Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

This is my emotional support knife.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate