Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
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Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Heroic Misunderstanding
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Well, shit
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim