Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.