Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
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Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!