Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.