Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
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fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
This classic never gets old . . .
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.