Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

😆

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.