Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
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“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?