Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

Good morning y’all ☀️

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.