Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
You Might Also Like
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.