Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator