Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
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Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
The booster protects against what, now?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.