Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

If you had more money you’d be happier.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.