Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe