Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

finally

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

WHO DID THIS?

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.